Friday, February 6, 2009

How to stop the only spinning a mother of three daughters has control over

I'm off on a little girls' weekend for my niece Amy's 24th birthday - in honor of which - I will leave you with this little tidbit of information (taken from my fully-completed, but perhaps never-to-be-published book) about how to stop the only spins in my life that are of my own making.

And so, if you have somehow gotten to this point in your life without knowing the remedy for the alcohol spins, the time has come for you to broaden your knowledge base. . .

Step 1: Lie down on your bed. (Truth be told, the spins don’t really start until you lie down on your bed, but it’s still the first step.)

Step 2: Recognize the fact that the room is spinning. Now, you may not have all of your wits about you. Your senses may be a wee-bit dulled by the wine and you may be so used to the whirling-out-of-control feeling that you attribute it to the whole motherhood thing . . . and it’s a good thing that you don’t have to attempt to detect alcohol on your child’s breath tonight because she’d end up giving you the breathalyzer instead, but SMARTEN UP GIRL! –you don’t need to save humankind–you only have to recognize the fact that you’re lying in bed and the room is spinning around you!

Step 3: Stretch your leg out of the covers and let it dangle over the side of the bed until your foot rests securely on the floor. (No, not the one on the far side. Where do you think you are – yoga class?)

Step 4: Recognize that the room has miraculously stopped spinning.

Step 5: Take two Advil and call me in the morning.

Hope you all have a great weekend,
and I promise to drink an extra Bubbly Wubbly for you. . .

p.s. Under no circumstances are you to share this tidbit of knowledge with your teenage daughter. No use making it easy for her!