Call from Blockbuster to our home at approximately 7:45 last evening. . .
Blockbuster Cashier: Hello Mrs. Mom-on-Spin?
Cashier: This is Colleen from your local Blockbuster. Your daughter is here with a young man. She doesn't have her blockbuster card but she says you gave her permission to rent some movies.Me: Yes. . .
Cashier: But there's a note on your account that the last ten movies you rented from us haven't been returned and your credit card has been charged $320?
Me: Yes, we talked about that before she left. . . We're going to be better about that this time.
Cashier: Well, we just want to be sure that it's okay with you that she rents these movies.
Me: (in what I have to admit was an inspired stroke of genius. . . ) What movies does she want to rent???
Cashier: Well one is Secret Window and the other is Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
Me: Who???? What???? Make a what????
Cashier: It's called Zack and Miri Make a Porno. It's a spoof on porn movies.
Me: What's a thing like that rated???
Cashier: It's rated "R" for sexual nudity and profanity.
Me: And the other movie? The one that's not the porno one???
Cashier: That's rated PG-13
Me: Well tell her she can rent non-porno one, but I don't want her bringing any porno stuff home with her.
Me: And Colleen?
Me: Thanks for caring. I know that my daughter may be glaring at you right now, but I appreciate your call. I really do.
Five minutes later Ponzi returns home. . .Ponzi: Why did you tell that girl I couldn't rent that movie? That was so embarrassing! There were like a zillion people in the line and they all were listening to your conversation! I'm seventeen years old, Mom! I can go to an "R" rated movie if I want to! And besides, I've already seen that movie. There's nothing wrong with it! I could have rented it, Mom!
Me: Do you know how lucky you are, young lady, that it was your mother who received that phone call and not your father???? Do you?????
Ponzi: She wasn't calling because she didn't like my movie choice! She was calling because she said that whoever was in there last put a note on the account that your teenage daughters couldn't rent movies anymore. . . you know, because we don't return them! It had nothing to do with the movie! And now I'm completely embarassed!
Me: Well did you bring home a movie or not???
Ponzi: Yes, we got Secret Window.
Me: Well you and your certain young man better go downstairs now and watch that movie before I shove him out my secret window! Do you hear me?????
Ponzi: Well still, I'm just saying that I could have rented it. . .
Me: You better move quickly little miss . . . .
And so, after they departed from my sight, I quickly ran upstairs and did a little research on that Zack and Miri Porno, and according to the parents' guidelines on the movie's website, Many sex acts are talked about in an extremely crass manner and almost non-stop.The report goes on to cite 11 instances of sex and nudity - my 3 Favs (numbers 5, 6 and 9) are listed here for your reading pleasure. . .
5. A women blows bubbles with her vagina(off-screen). She places the bubble blower into her skirt, and, we see a bubble go into the air.
6. In a montage, the cast for the porno is seen holding light sabers and laser pistols shaped like penises.
9. For the porno, Lester and Stacey begin a sex scene, but are interrupted. Unfortunately Deacon(the cameraman) is filming an undershot and Stacey accidentally defecates on his face.
In addition, some helpful parent has done an actual count of the number of profanities used in the movie (wouldn't you love to have that job!) and it turns out that the word shit is used 70 times and the word fuck is used a whopping 215 times. (Who wrote that screenplay anyway? Vodka Mom???)
Now, my friends, I ask you, Is this the kind of movie you want your seventeen-year-old-daughter watching in your basement with her boyfriend?????
Blowing bubbles out of her vigina?????
Sweet Jesus, will this ride never end????
p.s. In case you're wondering, this is a cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die kind of true story. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!!!
p.p.s. This is not a complaint. Just the facts, Mam. Just the facts!!!