7:10 a.m. - Cheerfully ask Veggie if she'll be ready for work early because the family is short a car since her accident (may Percy rest in peace) and someone needs to drive Ponzi to school. Receive look of disgust in reply. Drop Ponzi at the high school yourself. Don't even attempt to talk to anyone in your family again until you report to work.
8:30 a.m - Bid a fond farewell to your new boss who is leaving for a few days of well-deserved R & R. Tell him you hope he enjoys that new novel you shared with him. Assure him that everything will be under control while he's away.
8:45 a.m. - Receive phone call from boss while he's on the road asking to make sure someone visits an elderly parishioner in a local nursing home in his absence. Reply that it's A piece of cake. Note that the day is off to a good start.
8:46 a.m. - Receive second phone call from boss asking you to organize the parish's response and collection efforts for victims of the Haiti Earthquake. Of course you can do that.
9:00 a.m. - Schedule a baptism. Try your best to be thrilled that another baby has been birthed to the world. . . a baby girl no less. Bite your tongue and congratulate the new parents.
9:01 a.m. - Another call from the boss (he does a lot of thinking while he's driving, now doesn't he????) instructing you to order some take-home materials to arrive in time for next weekend. Remind yourself that this is why you make the big bucks.
9:15 a.m. - And speaking of bucks.. . .place a call to your friendly financial planner to ensure her that - yes - she read your fax correctly and she needs to send $13,441 to Trigger's university to cover her spring semester. And, - yes- you're a tad-bit on the late side in faxing the request. The tuition is due Friday.
9:32 a.m. - Another baptism call. . . always better than a funeral call . . . but another baby girl. . ..feel your anxiety kicking in. . .
9:33 a.m. - Call physician and schedule an appointment for blood pressure check.
10:05 a.m. - Meet with a grieving family whose departed loved one was a well-known philanthropic pillar of the community to help plan her funeral service. Hear yourself say that you only provide a simple one-page funeral program. Then surprise yourself by hearing the following phrases emanate from your mouth: "Family photos? Oh I could scan those! Eight pages? No problem! Printer first thing in the morning? I can do that! When everyone else says "No" a Mom on Spin says "Yes!"
12:25 p.m. - Take another call from a funeral director and book a funeral for Tuesday - knowing it will totally destroy all hopes of your long weekend.
12:25 and 30 seconds: Inform all within earshot that - funeral or not - you're still going to the governor's inauguration on Tuesday because you ghost-wrote that invocation and you're damn-well going to hear it delivered!
Shortly Thereafter: Daydream about new governor liking that invocation so much he invites you to be part of his speechwriting team. . . or - better yet - the Poet Laureate of the great state of New Jersey. Reprimand self for daydreaming at work. You have work to do.
12:37 p.m. - Field call from Trigger who tells you that you need to pay her $750 in sorority dues immediately because she got "called out" at a meeting last night. Poor thing.
12:38 p.m. - Place another call to your friendly financial planner to see if perhaps sorority dues are, indeed, a "qualified" withdrawal from a 529 account. When you hear her answer "no", meekly ask if beer money. . . or tanning memberships. . .or the cost of pedicures. . . would be reimbursable under the college savings plan you have established in her name 'cause you're awfully broke right now and you need an infusion of moola.. . .
12:59 p.m. - Receive a call from old priest boss wondering if you could do him a favor and book him a flight to Florida for his upcoming vacation in February. Play travel agent while typing frantically on your keyboard. . . asking for things like credit card numbers, date of birth, and one-pass mileage account numbers.
1:04 p.m. - Put him on hold in order to stop the chairman of the parish finance committee from running yet-another error-filled tax letter to all contributors, by actually reading the first one that came out of the printer and pointing out errors to him. Note that you still haven't shredded the 1,000+ error-filled letters which he printed last week.
1:05 p.m. - Resume making travel plans for old boss.
1:05 p.m. - Put old boss on hold to field another call from new boss. Pray that your session with Continental airlines has not timed-out in the mean time.
2:35 p.m. - Receive text message from Ponzi which reads, "Get celery, cucumbers, oranges, and grapes at the store." Find yourself unable to hit the reply button.
2:45 p.m. - Receive the first of numerous phone calls from the local nursing home informing you that a member of the clergy was due there to say Mass at 2:30. Note that the activities director was not happy that the staff had transported 35 residents downstairs for naught. Think to yourself, Hey, that ride in the elevator was probably the highlight of those old folks' day! but bite your tongue. . . just like like you did with the baby girl thing and the Ponzi text. Apologize profusely for priest's oversight.
3:10 p.m - Field call from local newspaper wanting to know what your parish's response to the Haiti crisis is. Proudly inform them of all your efforts, but no - damn it - you are not holding a candlelight vigil that they can use as a photo op. Inform them that you will - however - be holding a funeral service for a well-known philanthropist on Friday. And the funeral booklet will be done by you. At some point. If you can ever get off of the phone.
All Freakin'-Frackin' Afternoon! - Receive calls and emails from grieving family, clergy members, funeral directors, printers, and curious bystanders regarding or the program which you are hastily putting together, and will need 400 copies of, by Friday's funeral.
Sometime During that Timespan - Begin fantasizing about rich philanthropic family paying Trigger's sorority dues for you (Hey, a girl's gotta dream, right????) or old boss letting you use his credit card as a sort of travel agent fee. . .
4:25 p.m. - Inform Ponzi that you're swamped at work and will not be procuring the items from the grocery store as requested. Tell her she'll have to fend for herself for dinner. Hear her mutter something about you never making dinner for her anyway.
4:26 p.m. - Scoff.
Rest of Day: Refuse to talk to anyone because tongue is now swollen from all of that biting.
All the better to curse you with, my dear. . . .