Monday, December 22, 2014

Sellers Beware

Dear Ladies Behind the Counter at Macy's;

I'm here to apologize for my daughter, Trigger's, behavior.

No, not apologize.  That's not the word.  A better word would be explain.

On second thought. . . there is no explanation for her behavior.   It would be better if I simply told you that my daughter Trigger is not a crazy handbag stalker.

Although it turns out that she is, indeed, a crazy handbag stalker so I guess I'm really writing you to thank you for not calling the mall police. . . or F.B.I. . . .or the nearest insane asylum.

You see, Christmas is fast-approaching and I gave all of my daughters free-reign to purchase their own Christmas present.  I wanted it to be something significant.   Something they wouldn't have the funds to purchase on their own.  A real treat.

So Veggie very quickly picked out a warm coat.  Ponzi, a pair of tight, black over-the-knee boots.

But Trigger?  Well Trigger has become thoroughly perplexed.  Confused.   Completely undun.

All over the purchase of a handbag.

And I freely admit that she has been stalking your particular counter in the dreaded mall for three weeks straight.  Engaging you in conversation. . .  asking your opinion on which bag you like better. . . Michael Koors. . . Kate Spade. . .Dolce and Gabanna.  I know for a fact she has purchased at least three of your bags and then promptly returned them the next day.

Suspicious behavior, all of it.

Would it help you to know that my darling daughter was the first in the history of dollar stores to actually make a return when she was no more than five years old?

It's a fact.

But you see, my little Trigger has had problems with making big decisions all of her life.  And this handbag purchase is a BIG decision for her.  It ranks right up there with college choice, car acquisitions, and boyfriend selections . .  .trying her very best to avoid buyer's remorse.

So go easy on her ladies.  An end is in sight.  Christmas Day is right around the corner and your store has to close sometime before midnight on Christmas Eve.   And then it will be somewhat like musical chairs.  Trigger will end up with the last bag in her hand at the stroke of midnight.

And then perhaps return it
on December 26th. . .