Monday, February 2, 2009

And so the plot thickens. . . .

I hope you all enjoyed my "fictional" short story yesterday. (If you didn't get a chance to read it, say a quick Hail Mary as your penance and scroll on down.) But it turns out that - as with everything in my life - nothing is as straightforward as it seems.

And so I return you now to . . . .Take From Me, My Lace (a fictional story by A Mom on Spin)

Who knew that one simple piece of lingerie could take on a life of its own?

The fiery piece of evidence burned a hole in her bathrobe pocket until our gentle heroine could stand it no more. . . Carefully she placed the offending item deep in the recesses of her own drawer to reside amid the watchful eye of her old lady briefs. And there it would bide its time until. . .

Who am I kidding here???? This story is much too time-consuming to write - especially because I already know how it ends. So let me return to my usual motus operandi. . .

Me: (returning home from a long day of work) Hello Girls. What's new?

Ponzi: I read your blog. Now give me back the thong!

Me: Why??? Are you the hussy confessing? (And if you - dear reader - had any doubt that I knew all along who had been in that laundry room before me, you don't know me at all!)

Ponzi: Yes, Mom!

Me: Would you care to tell me why on earth would you need a thing like that in your personal repertoire???

Ponzi and Trigger: (simultaneously) We all have them, Mom!!!

Trigger: (standing alone suddenly because Ponzi knows enough not to insult my intelligence) Yeah, they're comfortable!

Ponzi: Trigger!
Me: (reluctantly producing the black lingerie) Here you go. . .
Ponzi: (obviously in some sudden state of shock) That thing? That's not mine! That's Veggie's (my new name for Daughter Number One) !!!

Ponzi Think: Jesus! I just gave up a big one when I could have blamed it on my older sister the whole time! I have to be more careful next time!!!!!

Me: How can that be? You clearly were the one who did laundry before me!

Ponzi: Well it may have been in my laundry hamper, but I didn't buy it!

Me: (listening to my youngest daughter carefully parsing her words. You have to be like freaking Perry Mason when you talk to these girls. . . .) Okay, maybe you didn't purchase it, but did you wear it???

Ponzi: Maybe. . .

Me: (dangling the sexy black thong in front of her seventeen-year-old face) Well why on earth would you wear your sister's underwear? Especially when it's something like this????

Ponzi: Well, she took all my underwear to Guatemala, so I had to wear something!!! You didn't want me going to school in no underwear! Did you????

And that circular finger of blame, my friends,
is the precisely the reason why I remain. . . .