When the cat's away. . .

Trigger Finger Guy is out of town on business this week so I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some overdue correspondence. . .

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Like this. . .

Dear tenant who lives on the second floor of our rental property;


Please disregard my recent message telling you that You couldn't pay the rent on time if your life depended on it!

I recently unearthed your rent check which was tacked to my refrigerator door - in the very spot it had been residing for the entire ten days that I had been frantically waiting for it in the mail.

Hey, do you expect an overwrought, overtired, undervalued woman like me to remember everything???? Especially when you have the audacity to pay your rent early???

On second thought. . . I stand by my voicemail. . . You couldn't pay the rent "on time" if your life depended on it!

So, by copy of this letter, you are ordered to cease and desist paying your rent early - thereby sending your landlady into a tailspin!


Affectionately signed. . .

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or this. . .

Dear Mr. (or perhaps Mrs.) Chief Dietitian of Stouffer Foods, Inc (not to be confused with Stouffer's Lean Cuisine. . .)

Question for you. . .

When you list the calorie content in the Nutritional Information section of . . . let's just say for the sake of argument, your large size of Macaroni and Cheese . . . do you assume that the eater leaves the edges untouched, or do you take into consideration that some of your "consumers" actually lick the remaining scrumptious, gooey, cheesy, sauce out of the container when all else is gone?

Just wondering. . .

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and then there's this. . .

Dear Any Daughter in Anytown USA except Ponzi (who always follows the rules. . . )



Just a little word of warning, my dear. . .

Had it been your father instead of your mother who had opened your door last night to find you "video chatting" from your bed with a certain young man (an act that had expressly been forbidden) your precious MacBook would have quickly become apple-sauce!


Do I need to remind you of what happened to your sister's cell phone????

I don't care if you have the blasted flu. . . all video chats with boys need to happen in public spaces!


As always, I'm just saying. . .




p.s. If your father ever finds out. . .we never had this conversation!

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And, as with all my correspondence, these letters are affectionately signed. . .

Is there any correspondence you've been dying to send?????