Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Wine in a box (or "cask" if you prefer)

Dear "Fisheye" Pinot Grigio in a Box,

As you have probably guessed, I've been spending way too much money on wine these days. So when I saw your little cute self in the A & P earlier this week, I just had to grab you and bring you home with me.

Only problem?

When I went to open your box (okay, "cask" if you will) I couldn't find the opening directions anywhere. And when I went to read the instructions on the side of your box, I was dismayed to see, Watch out! This wine jumps out of your glass!

But, seeing that I was more interested in how the wine was going to get into my glass than out of it, I soldiered on to read. . . Toss the corkscrew and relax (Relax??? when this damn box is open I'll relax!) Our patented wine cask system allows you to enjoy fresh wine anytime by preventing oxidation that occurs in half-empty wine bottles. Once opened, FishEye tastes fresh up to six weeks. . .

Half-empty wine bottles?

Six weeks????

Let's be serious here, Fisheye . . . do your owners know who their consumers are? If someone could leave an open container of wine hanging around for six long weeks, I'd wager to think they might be able to afford to spring for a whole bottle! Aren't wine boxes like you meant for people like me? The "uber" wine consumer? The ones who have to build their alcohol consumption into their weekly budget????

And so, because no one ever said, I couldn't put a straw in you and drain you like a juice box. . . I did!

And once your "cask" was empty, where do you think I found the "Easy Opening Instructions"????

You guessed it! On the bottom of the box!

Well, I guess that gives a brand new meaning to the old saying, Bottom's Up!

And you wonder why I call myself. . .

p.s. I forgot to tell you that you tasted good!