Pizza Place Chick (Hereafter known simply as PPChick) Hello. . . Your Local Pizza Place. Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'd like to place an order.
PPChick: Will that be for pick-up or delivery?
Me: I'll pick it up, but will you stand outside and throw it in my car so I don't have to park?
PPChick: Okay, sure. What do you want?
Me: I want a large order of your macaroni and cheese. I've seen it on your menu but I've always been ashamed to order it. . . but you see . . . the rest of the family won't be home tonight. . . and I always save my macaroni and cheese pig-outs for when I'm all alone and no one can judge me . . . you know what I mean?
PPChick: Yeah, I know. . .
Me: And - truth be told - I've had a really bad day . . . and I need that comfort food now!
PPChick: What was so bad about it?
Me: Well the first thing my eyes were drawn to when I went downstairs this morning was a parking ticket magnetized to the refrigerator . . . compliments of Ponzi, I'm sure. . . and then I purposely arrived at work a half-hour early but the people I was meeting showed up forty-five minutes late. . . throwing off my funeral timing completely . . . and I mean . . . completely. . . . it was the last of five funerals. . . knock wood. . . and then the office worker who I thought was coming never exactly showed up. . . and then there was a lot of turf warfare going on. . . very un-church-like if you ask me. . . and then when I got back home there were dishes in the sink. . . I ask you. . . is there no one in the family who can put a dish in the dishwasher?. . . not one?. . . well . . . anyway. . . then the pizza-resistance (pardon my pun) came when I went to the mailbox and received yet another rejection letter from a literary agent in the mail . . . I don't know why the hell those people have no taste. . . I could make millions for them. . . but I guess you don't want to hear all of this from me now. . . do you?
PPC: So. . . about the macaroni and cheese. . . when do you want to pick it up?
Me: Well, when will it be ready?
PPC: I don't know! We haven't made it yet! I've been on the phone with you the whole time!
Me: Will you just call me when it's ready?
Me: Do you need my number?
PPC: No. . . we have caller I.D.
Me: Okay. . . You'll call me. . . right? You won't forget? Promise me you won't forget???? 'Cause I'm not giving you a tip if you forget. . .
PPC: No, I won't forget!!!
Me: So how much will that be?
PPC: Let's see. . . with the family discount, it comes to exactly three dollars.
Me: That's it?
PPC: Yeah, Mom! That's it! Can we get off the phone so I can place your order now?
Me: Okay. . . Bye honey. . .
PPC: Bye Mom . . .
Me: And Trigger?
Me: Are you always this fresh to your customers on the phone??? No wonder no one's been putting any money in that tip jar!!!