I know you all like my conversations with my teenage daughters.
Here's one with a little twist. Like most things in my life, it's one sided. . .
Me: Trigger! Speak slowly! What's the problem?
Me: Well did you clean it up?
Me: What do you mean, "What difference does that make?" You're sharing a bathroom with four other girls now, you can't continue to be the slob you were at home.
Me: Well, I don't really see why it's such an emergency.
Me: What? Me?
Me: Trigger, you know I only go to The Mall at Christmas. . . (and heavily medicated at that. . .)
Me: I'm not even wearing black today. I absolutely cannot step foot in that mall unless I'm wearing black. It's my only hope of looking sophisticated. But we haven't had a funeral at work in five weeks . . .
Me: I know you don't care about people dying! Just like I don't really care about your make-up drama!
Me: But how will I know what to get? Those snotty little make-up Nazi-sale-clerks will take one look at me and throw me out of the store! They have a way of knowing, you know . . .
Me: Knowing what? They can tell that I wear drug-store make-up. . . and that I shop at Target. . . and color my own hair. . . I see it in their eyes. . .
Me: A profile? They have a profile on you? I told you they're Nazis! "No make-up for you!"
Me: No, you wouldn't get it. It was an old Seinfeld episode, you see there was this soup Nazi. . .
Me: Seinfeld. His name was Seinfeld. He was a comedian. There was this show. It was funny.
Me: I know you don't care about Seinfeld either. . . It's all about the make-up. . . the tragedy of the bronzer break. . .
Me: Shattered. Yeah, I know. It shattered. You're shattered. I'm shattered for you. . .
Me: Well don't they have drugstores in Virginia? Can't you just go to CVS and buy some bronzer? Nobody says you can't just pretend and tap-tap it like the other stuff. . .
Me: Never ever????
Me: Never ever EVER?????
Me: Well let me hear you say it, then. . .
Me: Now! Say it now! What are you? A love Nazi? Repeat after me. . . "My mom's the best mom in the world and I love her to death..."
Me: Say it!
Me: Say it, or there's no makeup. . .
Me: Thanks Trigger. . . I love you too!