Take note of the following two problems which cropped up this past weekend and my astute attempt to zero in on what really matters.
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Ponzi: Mom, I think we have a bit of a problem. . .
Me: A problem? What is it?
Ponzi: Well I went to that concert on Friday night. . . and I had my coat with me. . .you know. . . my black Northface. . . and they made me check it. . . like to prove I didn't have any booze with me or anything like that . .and I gave Kathy my coat check ticket and she lost it. . . just like she did last week. . .and I had to wait until the firemen said it was alright to come back in . . . you know. . .after the fire alarm that we all thought was part of the show. . . and they made me wait 'til everyone else claimed their coats. . . and someone had taken my coat and it had your $30 in it and my train ticket home. . . and my school I.D. and perhaps my driver's license. . . I'm not really sure about that one. . . but somebody else left their black Northface and I took that one instead . . . and the good news is that . . . remember how you made me buy a child's XL 'cause the ladies' "small" was like fifty bucks more???. . . well. . . this coat is a ladies's "small". . .so I think we made out on the deal!
Me: Oh my God, Ponzi! You brought an unknown coat home from New York City? You better put in in the washer right away! You never know where a coat like that has been!
Which was quickly followed by this phone conversation on Sunday afternoon. . .
Trigger: Mom! We have a problem!
Me: We do??? What is it?
Trigger: Well you see . . . Last night I was at a Frat party. . . you know . . . and I had my coat. . . my black Northface. . . cause I told you we practically had like a blizzard. . . well I left my coat in Kimmie's bedroom and when I went back to get it at the end of the night it wasn't there.
Me: Tell me. . . what size was that coat? Was it a child's XL????
Trigger: Mom! Did you hear me? Do you know what was in my coat? My wallet! My ATM card!! My student I.D.!!! My PHONE!!!!
Me: Were there any firefighters there?
Trigger: Do you not even care? This is serious! Do you even know what this means?
Me: What does this mean?
Trigger: I don't have any money! I can't talk to anyone! I can't eat! Aren't you worried that someone is using my ATM card???
Me: What? And withdrawing the grand total of $25 you begged me to put in your account yesterday? I'll just transfer it back to my account.
Trigger: But they could overdraw!
Me: Oh yes! I vaguely remember your sister doing that just last week. . . I tell you what. . . go steal someone else's Northface, get yourself a new student I.D., and eat in the dining hall until you come home for Christmas break.
Me (again): And Trig?
Trigger: Yes?
Me: Make sure your new coat is a ladies' "small" and don't forget to you wash it right away. You never know where a coat like that has been. . . but check the pockets first. . . there may be something good in there. . .
