I want to like you. Really I do. But the truth of the matter is that my vegetarian tofu love is just not happening at the rate at which I would like. And it's not for lack of trying, mind you . . .
Oh, I have squeezed you.
Sliced, chopped and cubed you.
Seasoned, dipped, slathered and marinated you.
And then I've sauteed you. . . blended you. . . baked you. . . grilled, broiled and pan-fried you.
ALL TO NO AVAIL !!!
And so I have a few simple questions to ask:
- Must you always be such a blockhead? I'm sure your pressed goodness could conform to any mold they put you in so how about trying to look like a pineapple . . oreo. . .candy corn?
- Do you have to be so wiggly? Even when I buy you in your extra-firmness mode? 'Cause I don't usually like my dinner to have the texture of . . . well. . . Jello . . .
- And how about taste? Did you ever think of adding a little? It doesn't suit you to be so unsavory all the time. . .
- What's so silken about you? Do you think that adding that one little adjective will make you more exotic?
- Are you cold-blooded? Why am I required to change your water more frequently than water in a fish tank?
- Why does Drip Dry not want to eat you simply because he's afraid of growing man boobs? I usually can pass anything I don't like off on my husband but he seems to be holding fast on keeping his testosterone levels out of your estrogen-ridden clutches.
and last but not least, Mr Tofu,
- WHY DON'T YOU COME IN EXTRA CHEESE FLAVOR?
I'm convinced the cheese part is key. . .