Monday, November 14, 2016

Dear People Who Write Wedding Vows

Dear People Who Write 
Wedding Vows,

I am shortly about to celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary and admit that my memories of my wedding day may be somewhat fuzzy, but distinctly remember proclaiming the following vows:

I, A Mom on Spin, take you, Drip Dry
 to be my lawful husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health,
until death do us part.

                        And that, my friends, was it.  With those few words I was hitched – tied to the man standing next to me for the rest of my life.  Oh yes, there was a statement of intentions before those vows and some phrases uttered with the exchange of rings, but in hindsight, those promises may have been a wee bit simplistic.

                        I have spent some time perusing wedding websites which encourage couples to compose their own vows.  And so I have decided to take their advice and rewrite my own:

I, A Mom on Spin, take you, Drip Dry, to be my husband.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad.
Please know that during the good times
you will find me laughing along with you,
but when the bad times hit
 I will be hiding my head in the sand somewhere.

I will be there for you through thick and thin –
even if I happen to be the one who becomes quite thicker with age
 while you remain as thin as this very day on which we marry.

I pledge to be your partner in sickness and in health –
especially because you’re one of those crazy health nuts
and I have a hunch I’m going to need all the help I can get.

I swear to be with you for richer and for poorer.
I realize that our yet-to-be-conceived children will cause the
 “poorer” part –
particularly if they turn out to be daughters who view the woman who gave birth to them as a mobile ATM machine.

I vow to stay by your side night and day;
until, of course, my future snoring forces you
 to kick me out of our marital bed
 and take up permanent residence in the guest room.

Oh yes, and I will love you and honor you all the days of my life,
that is, if you will still have me.

a poor, snoring, autoimmuner
with her head in the sand,