Saturday, April 4, 2009

All bow before the altar of the Virtual Voodoo Priestess

I'm quite scared.

I think you already know that I have psychic powers. (And if I told you my dream the night before the Needling! incident, you would have goosebumps, my friends. Goosebumps.)

But I didn't know about my virtual voodoo powers.

Remember how in yesterday's voodoo post (published at 6:49 a.m. - I might add. . . ) I pleaded with Ponzi to do something wrong? Well, before nightfall had ever arrived, she had done it again. . . outwitted one of the brightest and best minds in the business! (Not me, silly, her father!) Listen to the story my Stanford University educated husband recounted about his lunchtime visit to our homestead:

Him: I came home for lunch today and Ponzi was here with a friend.

Me: Really? Why???

Him: Something about a fire alarm at the High School and they left. . .

Me: There was a fire at the school?

Him: No, I think it was a false alarm, but the security guards told them to go home. She said she was only missing gym class.

Me: So does that mean she cut school???

Him: Well, I didn't think about it like that. . . but, yeah, I guess so.

Me: And what time was this?

Him: 12:30

Me: School gets out at 2:30 everyday. There's no way she had a two hour gym class. . .

Him: No, she was cutting.

Me: (Risking what I know might be a charge of Needling!) So can I ask you why you didn't haul her ass right back over to that school??

Him: Well, I didn't really think of it. . .

And so I quickly picked up the phone and dialed Ponzi's number. . .

Me: Tell me. . . what happened today???

Ponzi: ellsomeonepulledthefirealarmanditwashilariousandthesecurityguardstoldusalltorunand. . . .

Me: Wait. Wait. Wait!!! Slow down! I've told you before. . . Talk like a human!

Ponzi: I can't! I'm driving!!!

Me: Where are you going???

Ponzi: I don't know. . . we haven't decided. . .

Me: Sweet Jesus! Call me when you've landed somewhere!

And within five minutes Ponzi and her friend walked in the door. . .

Me: So tell me what really happened

Ponzi: Well, someone pulled the fire alarm and we all had to go outside and the security guard . . . I think his name is . . . .

Friend: Joe. . .

Ponzi. . . Yeah, Joe. . . all the kids love him. . . well anyway, he told us all to run! And so we did . . . and it was hilarious. . . you should have seen it, Mom, like two hundred kids running down the street away from school!!!!

Me: Well I doubt that the principal thought it was hilarious! You'll probably get in trouble now.

Ponzi: Oh come on, Mom! I need to live a little!!! The worst they can do is give us a detention.

Me: What classes did you miss?

Ponzi: Gym and Chem. . .

Me: Why did you tell your father that you were only missing gym.

Ponzi: I said just missing gym. . . not only missing gym. . . because I was missing gym just at the time I talked to him! Why are you being so annoying, Mom??????

And so now, my friends, I can officially add TRUANCY to my long list of outrageous acts perpetrated by my teenage daughters. This one will come in at number 9 . . . . right before the one about lying about detention and immediately after the one where my daughter dated the son of a mafioso.
God help you if you were to ever rest your eyes on the full list. . .