New Commercial for Verizon Wireless . . . shot in suburban New Jersey Verizon store.
Verizon Rep: Mrs. Mom on Spin? You're next. How can I help you?
Frazzled Middle-Aged Woman: I desperately need your help to decipher my cell phone bill. Months ago I opted for an on-line bill and so I no longer get a paper bill and I kinda open it only when I go to pay it ('cause, believe me if I had known about this, I would never have let something as important as this lapse) but my husband has all of the passwords and he's away right now and I really need to get to the bottom of this problem.
Verizon Rep: And what problem would that be?
Frazzled: Well I gave my phone number to that woman when I checked in and you must have my account open so you must see what the problem is. .
Rep: Well are you Veggie?
Frazzled: No, I'm not Veggie.
Rep: And clearly you're not Mr. Drip Dry . . . is that correct?
Frazzled: Yes, you are correct on that one.
Rep: Well only Veggie and Drip have authorization to talk to me about the account. I can't tell you anything.
Frazzled: Well Mr. Drip Dry is away right now and Veggie's my oldest daughter and might very well be the culprit. . . so I desperately need your help! Would it help if I told you that I recently paid a $430 cell phone bill??? And the on-line banking bill is now telling me that I owe you $950 dollars right now! Could you please just reassure me that my payment got applied and I only owe you $520 for last month's bill???? Could you at least do that for me???
Rep: Well, yes, I can confirm that you now owe Verizon Wireless $516.
Frazzled: (breathing a sigh of relief that she only owes $516. . . ) And can't you just peek at that bill for me and tell me which one of my three daughters I need to kill right now? It's very important that I get the right one. . .
Rep: Okay, let me look. . .
Frazzled: Oh, Thank you! Thank you!!!!!!
Rep: Now it looks like it could be this number that has the problem . . . 973-867-5309. . .
Frazzled: TRIGGER! Damn! I knew it! How did that bill get so high? What did she do? Was it texting? Downloads? Navigation system? What????
Rep: It looks like it was texting. . . let's see. . .
Frazzled: But doesn't she have unlimited text messaging?
Rep: The unlimited part is for in-network texts. She only has 1,500 out-of-network texts for free.
Frazzled: Holy God above! How many out-of-network texts did that child send in one month?
Rep: Well, actually it was 5,948 out-of-network text messages. . . and only 1,500 of them were free and so over 4,000 of them were billable. . .
Frazzled: (now clearly in an altered mental state. . . ) Well, do you offer a plan that has unlimited out-of-network texts so we can stop this from going any further????
Rep: No, I'm sorry. The plan with the most out-of-network texts only covers 4,000 per month, so she'd still have to cut back on her texting habits.
Frazzled: (regaining a small bit of sanity) Well, can I cut off her texting option from her phone right here and now?
Rep: I'm sorry, only Veggie or Drip Dry can do that. You're not authorized on the account.
Frazzled: Oh. . . right. . . Veggie. . . and Drip. . . one of them will get back to you on that. . .
enter. . .
Ponzi: (breathless with excitement. . . ) Mom! I figured out which phone I want! The guy over there told me I'm due for an upgrade and I have a $50 credit so the new Blackberry would only be like $53 and then $15 a month after that. . .
Frazzled: Oh, this is my third daughter, Ponzi, she's not the one who. . . well. . . you know. . .
Rep: Yes, I see. . . but you're still not authorized. . .
Frazzled: Believe me . . . I understand! (now clearly trying to uphold the last shred of dignity she once had while whisking Ponzi away. . . ) Ponzi, we are not getting that phone right now! Do you understand? Are you insane?
Ponzi: But why can't she call Dad? It's not fair to punish me for something that's Trigger's fault! You do that all the time, Mom. . . get mad at me for something Trigger's done!
Frazzled: We're just not doing it now!
Ponzi: But why not????? Why not? Mom! I said. . . why not????
scene fades to black. . . and. . . Cut!!!