Saturday, August 22, 2009

How to Blame Your Mother for Everything

I'm convinced my daughters took a How to Blame Your Mother for Everything class while in utero.

For how else could it come so naturally?

I received the following voicemail from Ponzi yesterday . . . (now keep in mind that Ponzi has only been out of my sight since Wednesday evening, with a phone call home to report her safe arrival and a text yesterday to ask the question What's that disease where you remain small forever??? )

Ponzi: Hello there Mother! Just wanted to let you know that your daughter's alive. . . and since you never return my phone calls . . . I won't expect a call back from you . . .

And, with my sanity temporarily placed in the unknown zone on the heels of that lovely voicemail . . . I thought, Hey, maybe Trigger's secretly waiting for me to call her. . . and so - buoyed by a Friday evening glass of wine - I decided to throw caution to the wind and placed a call to her. (Remember, Trigger has been away at college since Tuesday, with no real communication between us except her quick responses to my text messages to let me know that she's, Great! . . . and a 30-second call to ascertain that I had put money on her student card.)

And - knowing that sometimes I ask a few too many questions for her liking - I purposely took to the phone lines with a happy and upbeat tone. . .


Me: Hi Trig!

Trigger: Hi Mom. . .

Me: How are things?

Trigger: Great!

Me: When do classes start?

Trigger: Monday. . . and, Mom?

Me: Yes?

Trigger: How do you expect me to get my books?

Me: (Oh no. . . I think I know where she's going with this. . . ) Well Trig, you go to the bookstore . . . and pay for your books with the astronomical amount of flex dollars that I put on your student card.

Trigger: No, you were supposed to pre-order them before you got here!

Me: Well, did you do that?

Trigger: No! I just said. . . You were supposed to do that!

Me: (don't you take that bait! . . . move on. . . just move on. . . ) So, how's the food? Have you been eating?

Trigger: Why wouldn't I have been eating, Mom! Do you really think I haven't been eating?

Me: (Oh . . . and your eating habits were so predictable at home. . . ) Well, you didn't really eat breakfast and lunch much when you were here. . . just wondering if you're eating it now. . .

Trigger: That's a lot different than having a schedule, Mom! Now I need to eat with my roommates! Of course I'm eating!

Me: And the food is good?

Trigger: Yes! Of course the food is good! Do you think it wouldn't be good?

Me: (Silly me! I forgot that every college freshman raves about the food at school. . . let's move on. . . let's try to establish a better form of communication. . . something to get me out of this one. . . ) So has your Skype been working?

Trigger: How would I know??? You're never on!

Me: ("On?" What the hell is she talking about?) I didn't know you were trying to reach us. . . but what about your sisters and your friends? Have you video-chatted with anyone else on your Macbook?

Trigger: Everyone else iChats, Mom! But, didn't Dad tell you? My iChat doesn't work here!

Me: It still doesn't?

Trigger: Do you think I would be lying to you about that, Mom? Why would I lie????

Me: (Oh, sweet Jesus, shoot me now. . . anything to end this agony!!!! ) Oh no, Trigger. . . I would never accuse you of lying. . .well . . . okay, then. . . I can tell this isn't the best time for you to be talking. . .

Trigger: Yeah. . . I'm walking to the Pep Rally with my friends . . .

Me: Great! Have a good time. . . and why don't you call me back when you've got a free moment over the weekend . . . you know. . .like when it's good for you. . . I'll wait for you to call me. . .

Trigger: Sure!

Me: Okay, bye now . . . Love you, Trigger!

Me: Trigger?

Me: Trigger????

Me: ???

Trigger: Love you too. . .

And I thought I cried when she left. . .