Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Top-Secret Copy of A Mom on Spin's email to her Hard-Working Picnic Committee

Hello all ~ ('cause I kind of feel a special kinship with that "all" word and that squiggly line thing. . . it's like my trademark, you might say. . . that , and ellipses. . . but I try hard not to use ellipses in my "business" correspondence. . . . )

Yes, fellow committee persons! The big day is fast approaching! I thought I'd give you an update on a few items that need to be shored up before our big parish picnic on Sunday: (Notice the colon, my friends, the colon is tres-tres-professionalle!)
  • Well it seems that members of the Good Samaritan Ministry have refused to provide rides for the old ladies in the senior citizen complex. Is there a committee member who might just have a heart and decide to pick them up?
  • Has anyone been able to pin down the magician? I'd like to know what time he plans to make at least one of the crowd of 1,067 (and growing by the minute!) disappear.
  • Pay no attention to the man in the skirt. I have hired him to play the bagpipes.
  • Ditto to the Knights of Columbus in their colorful capes and funny feather-plumed hats. They will be on site to . . . well . . . to do something!
  • Reporters and photographers from both the diocesan and local newspapers will be roaming around looking for me. We all know how I feel about getting my picture taken, so feel free to pretend you're me - especially if you're skinny, and pretty, and well-spoken, and tall - yes, I think I'd like to be tall! I know that some of you gentlemen would like to try out for the role of being me, but let's leave it to the females, shall we????
  • The garbage situation will be in the bag as soon as I make the call to get a dumpster. But, don't worry, that's on my "to do" list.
  • So is confirming last minute details with the caterer.
  • Shhhh! It's a surprise! Our retirement gift for our outgoing pastor is a trip to Africa to visit his missionary friend in Tanzania. At last glance the safari hat with the little motorized fan I ordered has not arrived, so the cub scouts have offered to provide us with one of those Beenie and Cecil hats with the whorlly-bird thingy on the top. No prob. . . .
  • What's the poop on the Port-o-Pottys?? Does anyone know where and when they're are going to be dropped???
  • Be prepared! The Bounce House and Obstacle Course have been secured for the children, but the company insists on some height restrictions for silly safety reasons. I'm not sure if we'll spend most of the day warding off infants or kicking off drunken adults.
  • Come to think of it. . . does anyone have a first aid kit? We may need one.
  • Are the Boy Scouts willing to walk the old ladies across the street? That may win us back some brownie points. Wait! How about the Brownies? What are they doing all afternoon?
  • How about our representatives from the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick? Are you willing to take a turn manning the first-aid station? Oh. . . I forgot. . . you'll be the very same drunken adults we'll be kicking out of the kiddie's Bounce House. . . and also those most likely to be needing medical treatment. . .
  • I never did really wrap up the dessert bullet item from my last email, and so I say, Let them eat cake! At home. They'll have to eat cake at home, 'cause I never ordered any for the picnic. Even though the tent guy had a number for a food guy, who had a deal with a cookie guy - I just never got around to connecting the dots . . .
  • I've spoken with members of the Dixieland Band and - yes - they most definitely will play Oh, When the Saints. . . The rest of their musical selections may not be recognizable, but are guaranteed to get on your nerves for the entire afternoon.
  • Yes, I know it's the first Sunday of football season. Tough kitty litter. You're all staying on-site 'til every last table, chair, and tent has been picked up!
And so I guess that covers it! Nothing like a good old fashioned picnic to bring the community together, hey???? Remember to show up on Sunday at whatever time I told you in my last email. (Details are fast escaping me . . .)

Until Sunday, I remain (without the help of medication . . .)

Am I forgetting anything? Please tell me if I am, 'cause I'm losing sleep anyway, and would welcome feedback. . .