Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Here lies Liz. She was good at complaining.

Here's hoping you live to be a hundred (with an extra year to repent!)
Irish Drinking Toast

So I've heard a lot of eulogies in my day.
And I'm starting to feel vastly inadequate. . .
You see, we've had a run on dead women lately. Young women. Old women. Middle-aged women. Women who died tragically in car accidents. . . who died after long battles with breast cancer. . . who simply went to sleep, never to wake up. . .
But if I have to sit and listen to a eulogy about one more woman who was everything I'm not, I think I just may scream! Take a listen to just a few of the sentiments I have had to endure . . .

She was a wonderful woman, (Okay, they could probably pay someone to say that about me. I'm good so far. . . )
who enjoyed being a mother above all else. (do the words "used to" count?)
Her Sunday dinners were spectacular, (Well, if I'm not drinking the whiskey sours I cook dinner on Sundays. . . )
and there was always room for one more at her table. (Table? Do you have to eat at a table?)
She loved entertaining (Oh no, you're losing me here. . . )
and would throw a party for the silliest of reasons. (I haven't thrown a freakin' party since 1992!)
When she walked into a room, the room lit up. (Yeah, because I'm usually tripping in the dark. . . Warning! Never go to a movie with me. . . )
She was a music enthusiast, (Are you telling me that woman could read that little iPod screen and I can't? She was 86!)
As well as a patron of the arts. (Well I'm the patron of a fine establishment right here in town. . . It's called Hennesseys!)
She was a woman who was always thinking of ways to help others. (That's like me!!! I never dwell on my own problems, now do I????)
Is there one of us here who wasn't the recipient of her home-baked goodies? (How come I never got any of her goodies??? Who cares if I never met the woman in my life. . . I'm raising my hand, people . . . . Me. . . Me over here. . . I just want you all to know she wasn't that great! She didn't give her loving treats to perfect strangers like me. . . )
Or her cards of encouragement? (Do day-late-e-cards qualify???)
And, of course, we all know that her hand-written thank you notes were her trademark. (Sweet Jesus! I haven't written a thank you note since my wedding - circa 1986. . . )
Oh yes, she knew what love was. (Of course I know what love is. . . What? Do you think I'm stupid or something???)
It was evident in her relationship with her husband, (Let's not even go there, people. . . .)
and in the loving way she guided her children. (Now they expect me to be a seeing eye dog too???)
Yes, we know that will no longer get those cheery phone calls from her, (Cheerio old chap!)
nor those thoughtful gifts and trinkets, (I have one word for those kinds of things . . . OVERRATED!)
but we know she's with us in Spirit. . . (Spirits? Did someone say Spirits??? Like Gin? Vodka? Rum???? Yeah, I'll be there! Hennessey's??? What time????)

And so you see, dear readers, the only thing that I am that these fine women are not is . . . ALIVE!!!

And, thank the stars and heaven above, I just might have an extra year to repent!!!