Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The reason I know God has a sense of humor

I'm sorry to trouble you with extra reading, but if you want to know precisely why I know that God has a sense of humor, you're going to have to do a little extra work today.

First, I would like you to read the post that I wrote last night and planned for today. The post was in the form of a letter to a woman who is an acquaintance of mine through my job. . .

Dear Fannie Dae Kell,

This letter will serve a two-fold purpose.
First . . . I would like to thank you (in a long-overdue manner) for your Christmas present comprised of the not-so-gently-used-leather-pocketbook-with-evidence-of-someone-else's-life-in-it-in-the-form-of-tissue-droppings-and-the-two-tubes-of-already-used-lipstick-in-the-zipper-pocket. It was (in many ways) the most thoughtful gift I have ever received.
I hope that you don't mind that I passed your gift along to our parish secretary on her recent birthday. A gift like that is too good not to be shared. . .

Secondly. . . I need to inform you that I am hereby removing myself from your "case" (not that you have a "case" but somehow it seems right to call it that. . . )

Yes my friend, as of the writing of this letter, I am going to run into the conference room whenever I see you coming and declare myself in a meeting until you leave.
I can't help it, Fannie Dae Kell, I am - quite literally - giving away the store to you!!!! You know I can't resist it when you flash that gold tooth at me and pass me those little love notes when you think no one is looking. . . . the ones that read. . . need $ for wash clothes. . . or when you twist your face into that distorted look when I ask you if maybe you shouldn't get food stamps. . . or when you beg me to drive you home to the seniors center in the middle of a snow storm. . .

My heart goes out to you, Fannie Dae Kell . . . but the church and I are going bankrupt in the process!
Have you seen me driving Dora Schmalton around? Is that the problem??? Do you think I'm spending all my excess cash on her???? But you must have noticed, Fannie, that Dora is a good 400 pounds and needs some help . . . have you not seen her zipping around town in her motorized wheelchair? It's tough for her in all this snow and ice. Those wheelchairs don't come with four-wheel-drive, you know. . . One wrong move and she's toast! Besides, she has no one else to drive her around. . . God knows her husband can't help her at all because he weighs more than she does. . . and they need a lot of food - those Schmaltons. . . a few extra pork chops now and then are all I can do . . .

They won't take your place. . . Honestly!
Be grateful for your gift of health, my dear (even if I did have to give you bus money to go and have an ultrasound of your distorted stomach and to find the root of those damned nose-bleeds - the proof of which you always feel the need to show me in the form of a bloody tissue . . . See, my nose is bleeding again!!!!) for who knows when we may end up helpless like Dora Schmalton. . .

But - in all honesty - I can not stand it when you sit there looking like I've wronged you in some way by not financing your every move!!!
You remind me of my daughters!!!!!

And, for that reason alone, I am hereby declaring myself Off Duty! whenever I see you coming!!!!!!
With all hopes for your future success, I am. . .
So here is the reason I think that God is chuckling at me from upstairs. . .
This evening when I left work I needed to pick up some ingredients for dinner. Now usually I run to the pricey grocery store around the corner, but suddenly I remembered that my trendy minivan has developed quite an annoying squeak (yes, it's relevant, keep reading. . . ) and I'm tired of other mothers in their S.U.V.'s looking down on me (quite literally) thinking How could she drive around in that squeaky old thing? or Don't tell me she's still missing that hubcap! and so I decided to run to the cheapy A & P instead.
That's where God comes in. . .
I no sooner walked through the doors, but who should I see?
Now I know you're thinking off the bat, I bet she saw Fannie Dae Kell! but you're wrong!
I saw Dora Schmalton in her wheelchair with an overflowing basket of groceries on her "lap" and a loaf of bread dangling from the wheelchair's arm! (Shopping, of course, with the $40 in food cards that I had given her earlier in the day. . . )And so I cry, Hello, Dora! Are you going to be okay getting home with all that stuff? Do you need a ride or anything? (Although how in God's good earth I was going to put that wheelchair in my squeaky hubcap-challenged van, I just didn't know. . .you see, she's not lame or anything. . . she usually walks to and from the car when I drive her.) Well anyway, she declares that she's perfectly fine and off she zips. And I, in turn, go on my way. . . rounding the corner into the first aisle when who do you suppose I saw next????
If you guess Fannie Dae Kell now, you're right!!!
Liz! says she, I was just thinking about you! I'm out of my A & P cards and I don't have enough money to pay for my stuff!
And so I knuckled in and handed over $20, a ride home, and a promise that I would sneak her some more food cards tomorrow.
And that - my friends - was when I caught God laughing.
I don't care what you call the entity that I refer to as "God". . . Supreme Being. . . All-Knowing. . . Allah. . . Buddha. . . Creator. . . Brahma. . . Divine Spirit. . .
Call God what you will. . . but you have to admit, She's got one heck of a sense of humor!!!