Saturday, September 4, 2010

A Post in which I Give You Just the Facts Ma'am

So when I say from time to time that I feel like I'm just Spinning My Wheels, I know you assume I'm exaggerating.

Not so.

In an attempt to convince you, I'm going to relay today's story Sergeant Joe Friday style and give you Just the Facts, Ma'am.

Ready for the opening credits?

Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum. . . . 

The story you are about to hear is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Fact:   Trigger left for college with a fully functioning phone exactly one week ago today.

Fact:  The following day, The Husband Formerly Known as Drip Dry received a message from the Verizon wireless store in her University town wanting to know if he would authorize the purchase of a new phone because her old phone was suddenly irreparably broken.

Fact:  He did not reply.

Fact:  Hoping to save a little money, we boxed up Ponzi's old phone and prepared to send it to Trigger even though she had never contacted either of us directly to tell us that she no longer had a phone.

 Unfortunate Fact:  Although this was now her second year at the same university, I still didn't know her address (every time I needed it last year, I'd ask and Trigger would text it to me) and so on Monday morning I sent her an email telling her we knew her phone was broken and instructed her to give her father her address so he could send her the replacement phone instead of buying a brand new phone from the Verizon store.

Fact:  I skipped town on Monday afternoon.

Fact:   By Wednesday night her father and I both marveled at how she was managing to survive without her lifeline (and, yes, that little bit of information counts as a fact because Trigger is widely known to eat, sleep, and shower with her phone) because he still had not heard from her.

Fact:  She finally called home on Thursday morning to give Drip Dry her address and told him that she had discovered an old fashioned land-line phone in her dorm room and had been using that because someone told her that,  it was only like eight cents a call. 

Fact:  And so, on the cusp of the long holiday weekend, Drip Dry was now forced to spend $41 to overnight the phone to her . . . but - hey - it's still cheaper than buying a new phone. . . right?

Fact:   The next day I received a call from and unknown number.  It was a panicked Trigger, telling me that they had a hold on her school account and wouldn't let her change a class because we owed them $116.

Fact:   In phone charges.

Fact:  For the land-line phone in her room.

Fact:  The one she had been calling her boyfriend on all week long . . . for hours on end, mind you. . . . thinking that the charges were eight cents a call instead of EIGHT CENTS A MINUTE!

I guess some silly little co-ed didn't get her facts straight!

And now for the closing credits. .  .
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!!!!